Searching the Depths of The Shallow End

What does the future hold?

2010-05-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

It seems to be everywhere. "40 something women" who are 'living live and loving it'. Whatever "it" may be. Dating younger men, living extravagant lifestyles, going clubbing until the wee hours of the morning, and everything in between. I can understand that some women are just enjoying their life and others are in denial, trying to extend their youth as long as they possibly can until they begin to look ridiculous. When women are constantly getting plastic surgery in order to make themselves feel better, where do you draw the line? Botox has become one of the most common procedures amongst American women and after having seen the results in person, I can't help but get consumed by fear. Is this what the future looks like for those of us who haven't hit thirty? In a world of sinking war ships, oil spills, crashing economies, and failing marriages, what do we have to look forward to?

Here's the thing- am I going to end up like them? As I get closer to cementing the details of my adult life, I'm wondering what things are going to be like in 20 years. Am I going to end up looking something like a hobbit with strict rules and a crazy-bad haircut like half of the women on "Wife Swap"? Or am I going to be a self-involved gym-crazy mother who desperately clings to her youth in even more clingy clothing? Am I going to be something in between? I'm not sure, but between all of the media sources and my own experiences I think I'm going to have to find my own way to avoid being a "Real Housewife" or being a real mess. As I take these next few steps on less than stable ground, I'm just going to have to learn as I go because so far I haven't seen a good example.

Drink Me

2010-05-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

For Christmas this year, I received a gift card from my boyfriend's mother. It was for the movies, which I thought was a very sweet gesture. It just happened to coincide with my desire to see the new Alice in Wonderland film by Tim Burton. I had no idea that I would see the movie three times ($50 well spent), or that it would pop into my head while I was trying to settle my mind as I was laying in bed. Now, I know that the film was based on both books, but I can't stop thinking about the film itself (primarily because I never read the books). After having read so many different pieces of fiction, there is one thing I can ascertain: Growing up is important. I know what you're thinking -"well, no shit"- it's true. And not for the reason you think. But the thing is, I'm still having trouble with the "growing up" part. Childhood is easy. You learn a lot of things from it. For example, childhood provides the foundation for your adult fears. Think about it- were you pushed off of the jungle gym as a child? Are you afraid of heights now? I'm not trying to sound like a motivational speaker or a high-school counsoler here, but one of the most important things anyone can learn is to be brave. This doesn't mean base-jumping if you have a fear of heights. No one should do that. But as I'm entering the true phase of adulthood in my life, I can't help but feel as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. There are several doors before me, but taking the one I want to has got me intimidated for the same reasons I have all of my other fears. I find myself wondering how I am going to get through it.

Mark S

2010-02-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

Kindness lasts forever. You'll be missed.

For those about to...

2009-04-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

My life has taken a rather dramatic turn lately in that I no longer find my free time to be "free", but otherwise occupied. This is not an unfortunate change and in fact it is not unwelcome either. The idea that my time has been merely manipulated in order for me to see things in a different way has proven to be quite beneficial. Now some may ask what I mean by allusion to a shift in perspective so allow me to elaborate:
As someone who found herself with a great deal of free time at one point, I thought it necessary to occupy my time with a great deal of introspection. I thought about who I am to strangers, family, and myself. It is very clear that all of this thought has paid off in some way because now there is a certain level of confidence in my stride that was not there before. This confidence, however, does not negate my humility. You can be both confident and humble. It can be done. Oh yes.
In order for this feat to be accomplished one must first acknowlege a universal truth:
Everyone is different.
Say it with me.
"Everyone is different"
Good.
Now this is crutial because when observing others you must repeat this in your head because it allows you to remove yourself from the situation and observe. In order for me to save time, I will state my immediate findings here:

Tools cannot be saved. Once a tool, always a tool. The only thing that can be done with them is appreciate the level of their tool-i-ness.
A man may not notice when a woman is flirting, but women do. It is blaringly obvious, in fact. Now it is true that when a woman is flirting she may not be interested in the person she is flirting with, but the fact of the matter is she does want one thing: attention.
Spoiled children get yelled at more than well-adjusted children and in my opinion, they generally contribute less to society. Please consider this before purchasing a BMW for your daughter's sweet sixteen.

Before I leave you for another undetermined period of time, please know that the Hannah Montana "Best of Both Words" song shares it's title with the porn Randall rents in Clerks. Yes, indeed.

It may be a New Year for you...

2009-01-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

It's a brand new year. Not brand spanking new, no, but new enough. As a young person with so much time on her side and potential to take advantage of, you would think that my first new entry would be filled with hope. My head space isn't quite there right now, though. There are a few things that have happened recently and things are closing in that have robbed me of that. My next birthday is coming in quickly and to be perfectly frank: I'm not excited. Not at all. I'll be another year older and I don't have much to show for it. Not only do I have nothing planned for the big day (except that I have to be in school as usual), but memories of birthdays passed only haunt me. This all sounds quite melodramatic, I know, but there isn't any other way to describe it. I'm trying to keep things as close to the truth as they can possibly get. And just so we're quite clear about something: I tell the truth. I always tell the truth. The thing is, I get frustrated when people lie because to me this expresses a lack of faith in the other person. It says "I don't think that you can understand what the facts are and I don't believe you are able to handle it". My belief is that only someone who is extremely thick-headed would be foolish enough to believe they know what is good for someone else. Especially when it comes to the truth. With that in mind, I try to give to others this thing that I ask in return: Don't worry about hurting my feelings with the truth. I'd rather feel hurt than stupid.

Nineteen days and counting...

Chaos Theory

2008-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

Those of you who do not know me on a personal level won't be fully aware of my stigma, so for a moment, let me enlighten you.

Though I must admit I had not always behaved accordingly, I learned at a very early age what was right and what was wrong. As time wore on, I thought I was capable of distinguishing between the two. Then a funny thing happened: the things I had sequestered within the "bad" category began to sound more and more off limits. Eventually this was reflected in my personal habits and behavior. A once acceptable teenager might've been mistaken (on occasion) for an off-duty librarian.

The problem with this behavior may not be immediately clear. One might say to themselves "What's wrong with that?" but unless you've lived it, you can't quite understand. What I can tell you is that to live life in fear of what might happen is no way to live at all. So what's the point I'm trying to make? Well, I think that there are many kinds of people in this world, but those who were cursed with my particular problem are in need of a solution and I believe I may have the answer:

A bad influence. The problem is that in the Angel v. Devil war that takes place on our shoulders, the Angel always wins. But the Angel doesn't always know what's best. Sometimes the best thing is to learn from your own mistakes, otherwise you end up living life consumed by your own irrational fears. So find someone who can talk you into something you might not like. Someone you can get a little dirty with. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

"Sometimes you just need a push in the wrong direction."

A little side note: while I was composing this blog, hanging at the coffee shop I currently work at, I noticed that I had drawn arrows all over the page. When I said "I have no idea why I like drawing arrows so much"; He retorted with "Because they know where they're going." Just thought that was kind of funny.

A little free time after breakfast

2008-11-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

My neighbor is playing his/her music far too loud. I have no idea what it is. Whatever it is, it's got a lot of bass. So I started listening to my own music. Sometimes the most wonderful moments of life are the ones outlined by a good song. A driving guitar track can be the perfect frame for the picture of a winding road in the mountainous tropics of Maui. Sometimes the perfection lies within the lyrics that you hear when you're laying upon your bed, staring at the ceiling, seeking comfort from the music. I'm not seeking any kind of emotional comfort from anything but I'm laying here soaking up the wisdom of these people.

Sprinkles...

2008-11-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

Due to my own personal mindset (read: cluster-fuck), I've shifted my focus to some not-so-important things. With that said, I've put together another playlist. These are songs I'm listening to and enjoying right now:

1. "Dream" - Alice Smith. To me this song sounds like a sigh of relief. It makes me feel better when I'm feeling a little bored with life. First heard it on Entourage so I was pretty open to liking it, I guess.

2. "My Hero" - Paramore. This is a great cover of a great song (the original track was performed by The Foo Fighters). I think that when different people perform the same song, they have different feelings. The original track is tough and victorious. This new version is sweet and sentimental. Almost romantic. Love it.

3. "Call to Arms" - Angels & Airwaves. This band has grown on me a lot more since I saw them recently. They were a lot better than I expected. I chose this song because it inspires me. It's kind of like when you're running as fast and hard as you can and you can see the end. You're out of breath. Your body hurts. Despite how you're feeling, you push forward and run those last steps. That's how this song sounds to me.

4. "I Don't Care" - Fall Out Boy. I've got to be honest here. I was listening to Fall Out Boy a long time before they were "Like, Omigod I totally love Fall Out Boy". Shortly after they got in with the MTV crowd, I got sick of them. I'm not saying that I'm too cool to like the pop music, but they just got very overplayed. I like this song because it's a little different than what they've been doing lately. Plus this lyric is sick: "Say my name and his in the same breath, I dare you to say they taste the same."

5. "Rainy Day" - Plain White T's. Another sweet song by the Plain White T's. Surprise surprise. I know people have said that the Jonas Brothers (gag) are the new Beatles, but I honestly think the title should go to the PWT's. Just a thought...

6."Nine in The Afternoon" - Panic at The Disco. This is the kind of song you blast when you're in a good mood while you're on a drive with the windows down and well...I do a lot of driving.

Fairy Tales and Sex Jokes

2008-11-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl I loved fairy tales. The flowery stories all unfolded in ways that made the characters' lives seem so wonderful. Of course Prince Charming would show up and rescue the damsel in distress! Cinderella would no longer have to clean up after her lazy family members. The Frog would turn into a man who conveniently is also royalty and would live happily ever after with the Princess. You get the point. Anyway, as I grew up these fairy tales which were often animated for my viewing pleasure eventually were replaced by something not far off: Romantic Comedies. Instead of Sleeping Beauty, there's Sleepless in Seattle. French Kiss instead of The Frog Prince. When you think about it, the similarities are astounding.

If you boil all of the stories down to their bare bones, you really don't have anything left except for the makings of most any fairy tale classic. Boy meets Girl - Boy/Girl has a problem - Girl/Boy has solution - They fall in love - The End. I can't think of a single film that falls within this category that doesn't follow this formula. To be completely honest? It has gotten pretty boring. I can't even watch Sleepless in Seattle any more.

Fortunately where there is a problem, there is a solution. The solution to my particular problem is the fleet of films that have been coming out more recently. The comedies that are as smart as they are funny while lacking completely in pretension. The movies that immediately leap to mind are The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In my opinion, you could almost categorize any one of them as a Romantic Comedy without the gag-inducing Hallmark-memories Kodak-moment mental pictures that the other films I'd mentioned bring about. The thing about these movies is that the most important thing to the film is the comedy, not the romance. The things that spring to mind about any of these movies are not how cute a certain moment was or just how touching the end might have been, but the jokes that just don't seem to get old. The romance in these movies is so discrete that one might have to struggle just to remember the moments (I know I'm guilty of it, on occasion), but that makes it far more palatable. My point is that though some people may think that romance has died, it hasn't. It's just cleverly hidden.

"I don't think it's a gay drink"

2008-10-18T16:22:00.001-07:00

As a barista, I sometimes fantasize about being a bartender. Being that I worked alone today, I had some time to reflect on that fantasy. To me, certain things are obvious. An Espresso might be considered the equivalent of a Scotch Neat. A Blended Mocha (don't forget the whipped cream and chocolate sauce) may be considered equal to the Pina Colada - not for the serious drinker. I think the most popular drink ordered is the Iced White Mocha. The drink I would liken it to on a real bar: the Mojito.

Ostensibly the most trend-following cocktail any person can imbibe, the Mojito is an imported classic that is as delicious as it is refreshing. It seems to say "Sure I don't want to get wasted, but that doesn't mean I can't have a drink." I'm fairly sure that most anyone has or will have tried the Mojito at one point and this is where I believe it has common qualities to the Iced White Mocha.

Most everyone that has purchased a coffee drink from a coffee shop has at some point tried a White Mocha and if they haven't, chances are they probably will. I have seen all sorts of people come in and order this drink and it is almost always over ice. Some may say that this is only due to the weather, but when was the last time you saw someone drinking a Mojito mid-blizzard? That's what I thought. Anyway, the reason I mention this is that today I served this coffee concoction to what I thought was the most unlikely buyer. A man who would scare the ever-loving out of me if I had met him in a dark alley. Soaring over head in biker gear with a deep raspy voice, he politely smiled and asked for a "Large Iced White Mocha with extra whipped cream, please." As I had been previously considering this subject, I asked myself as I mixed his drink:

I wonder if he likes Mojitos?

Good things come to those who

2008-10-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

Alright, I admit it... when it comes to some things, I'm just not a patient girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at waiting, that's not an issue for me. My whole life, I've been waiting for something. I don't mean that in the abstract "what does it all mean?" way that some people may. In this instance I just mean that at most points in my life I've been waiting for something, not just one thing in particular. But the thing is... when it comes to waiting for things that are important, I'm just no good. For example: school. I know it's going to take some time before I'm done and all of the doors to a palatable future will swing open. I just can't help but drag my feet and sigh. Now I'm sure that part of the reason I'm dragging my feet is that what I do when I finish school is sort of a giant question mark. Not just finding a job, but everything that goes with life after college. The things that I want don't seem to make sense together.

Maybe I'm just rambling, here. Unfortunately this is just a sample of what is going on inside my head. There are a lot of other things...more life specific things, but I don't want to write some trite diatribe about how I'm feeling lost. I'm not. I know what I want. I just have to be patient because I can't grab it. I can't force it. I have to let it come in it's own time.

Heaven and other things.

2008-10-04T12:53:00.001-07:00

Do something you're afraid to do. Drive through road blocks (not real ones, that's dangerous). Be honest. You'll be surprised by how things change for the better, even if it seems like they've taken a turn for the worst.

You may just get to Heaven. In my head, Heaven has a counter that looks like this:

A Singular Meaningless Rant

2008-08-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

So...I'm just sort of sitting here wondering about the rest of my life. I've got this idea about how things are going to feel. There's no plan, see. I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm doing, but there's a round-about sort of way that I'm figuring it out. It's not that I'm worried, because I'm not. I know it's all going to eventually fall into place and I don't mean that in a half-assed victim of Karma sort of way. I guess I just trust it. Whatever it is, this thing that I've got, I trust it.

Sorry if none of that makes sense, but it's been rattling around in my head. Needed to shake it out.

Put Aside The Intellectual Stimuli

2008-08-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have seen Ice Harvest, Bullets Over Broadway, and Grace is Gone , you know that John Cusack is one of the better actors we've got flying just below the radar. There is one thing that is quite bothersome to me, though, and that is the lonely hill upon which I stand. Let me fill you in...

A long time ago, I was out for a random evening of time-killing (read: nothing to do on a Friday night except hit Borders, then Jack-In-The-Box, and drive around) with a friend who shall remain nameless. We were sitting in her car and I had a Perrier. She asked me what I was drinking and I jokingly said "Peru!" to which she in turn replied...

"You mean Perrier?"

I died a little inside, which is why I need to spread the word. One of my favorite movies, and one that J.C. possibly regrets, is Better Off Dead. A side-splitter about the anguish of a break-up and in a completely dysfunctional situation. If you have not seen it, I personally guarantee that it'll make you laugh.

See?

For Those Only Watching The Olympics...

2008-08-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to thank the Angels for thoroughly destroying the Yankees this weekend. Though they're not really my team, anyone who can teach that holier-than-thou ball club a lesson is alright in my book.

P.S. I don't hate the Yankees. I really don't.

For Good Measure

2008-08-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided that since I haven't posted something in a little while (and frankly I have nothing else to write about at the moment), that it's time to post another playlist. These are all just songs I've been listening to a lot lately. 9, 10, and 11 are few favorites that have been in heavy rotation lately while the rest are relatively new to my library. Please enjoy.

Carolina Liar "I'm Not Over"
Throw Me the Statue "Lolita"
Katie Herzig "Sweeter Than This"
Imogen Heap "Not Now But Soon"
Blind Pilot "Go On, Say It"
The Wombats "Let's Dance to Joy Division"
N.E.R.D. "Spaz"
The Ting Tings "That's Not My Name"
Rilo Kiley "Portions For Foxes"
The Postal Service "Against All Odds"
Pigeonhed "Battleflag (Low-Fidelity Allstars Remix)"

Bottom Line

2008-08-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things that can hold you up in this world. Ideas, principles, morals, and the like. I've been thinking a lot about the things that hold me up. Sometimes people hide behind those things because they're scared to take a chance. Using it to justify the things that you don't do by calling them the things that you "won't" do. I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life (excluding my specific environmental and social beliefs). What I'm asking you to do here is this: Figure out what your bottom line is, what you're really afraid of, and what your deal-breakers are.

Withdrawal

2008-07-22T19:36:00.001-07:00

I miss you, Jane.

Cardboard Boxes

2008-07-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

Since I'm currently out of the job, I've thrown myself into packing up my house. I'm moving to a new place next weekend and my bedroom has never looked so sparse. After the initial "Man, I have a lot of crap" thoughts, it was easy to just keep working away at making sure things are safely wrapped and packed for travel. The one thing that keeps bubbling up in my mind, however, is how strange it feels to watch myself gradually disappear from my home. In a week, it'll be as if I never lived here. Sure, I've made a few distinguishable marks on the place, but to the new tenants it won't make the slightest difference. These thoughts should be eclipsed by the excitement I have about moving into the new place (read: Upgrade!), but I simply cannot shake them.

About the new place, it is pretty great. It's in a new area that's a bit more relaxed than Mission Valley. There will finally be a place for my guests to park and I'll be able to buy all of the groceries I want without worrying about how many trips I'm going to have to make to my car. The good thing about this new location is that I get a chance to experience new places and people. I have to admit, though, that I'm not really all that fond of the idea. I've been moving around all my life and it's made it really tough to connect with people. Somewhere deep down it there's a voice that says "Don't get too attached. This is only temporary."

Oh, and as for the marks I've made on my current place? Thank you, Magic Eraser.

Put This In Your Deck And Play It

2008-07-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just feel the need to highly recommend some music to those around me. Much like a tiny restaurant no one knows about yet, sometimes it's the little things you keep to yourself that you enjoy the most. So, if I feel that a little public exposure isn't going to ruin something good I'll shed a little light. With that being said, please do yourself a favor and check out The Morning Benders' album Talking Through Tin Cans. It's quite refreshing, believe me. Try it, you'll like it.

My Independence Day

2008-06-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

Today I submitted my resignation and two weeks notice to my current employer. Since my last boss got fired but is now technically just "on suspension", things have been fairly stressful and it has become the kind of place you hate to be. The bottom line is...I'm FREE! Two weeks and counting. And the great part is it's not really even a whole two weeks. For this holiday weekend, I'm going to be flying out of town and visiting the land where you can forget all of your troubles. You may even forget your name...

Vegas, baby. Vegas.

A Request

2008-06-25T17:38:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention that the first review is in for The Dark Knight, which is set to release on July 18. As I expected, the review was almost completely sterling and gave hope to me since I've been awaiting this film's release since I'd heard of its existence. It has been quite some time since I'd seen the first teaser for The Dark Knight and the moment I'd finished watching it I knew that Heath Ledger's performance was going to be a significant moment in his career. Unfortunately, since January 22 of this year (which happens to be my birthday, by sheer coincidence), people have forgotten about the performance and focused solely on the actor. For a while I was in shock, just like everyone else, but I've since let it go. There is only so much time one can focus on the fact that someone is gone. For me it is more important to see what that person has left behind. Now that this performance is the last of what we'll see from a talented actor, I think we should appreciate it for what it is. I've heard from many people that they'll have a hard time watching The Dark Knight because they'll be thinking things like "Oh, how sad", or "It's so sad he's gone". I can appreciate that some are still mourning his loss and I wouldn't begrudge anyone their time to grieve, but I think focusing on that is doing him a great disservice. Think about what you would want. Think about what any artist would want. If you had given a performance of a lifetime, would you want your own death to overshadow that? Let your mind absorb it as a completely separate thing. Let yourself appreciate it. Hell, enjoy it.Please.

One for the Road

2008-06-18T17:36:00.001-07:00

In a couple of days I'm going to be driving home to spend the weekend with my mom, who I haven't seen in a number of months. For some people this might not seem like a big deal, but it's a little ridiculous when you can take a 4 hour drive to get there. Now that I've finally whittled away a weekend just to get home, I'm going to let you in on a little ritual that I've developed for these extended solo-trips.

Two drinks are required for making the trip. One caffeinated (usually an iced coffee, my D.O.C), and a bottle of water.
Fully charged cell-phone for any road side emergency (or to bother other people in case I get bored).
Newly Burned CDs with a custom playlist just for the trip. I'll give you an example. I've just burned the new disc for my trip this Friday night. Since I'll be driving at night, I thought it would be more appropraite to fill it with things that are a bit more mellow. Here are the tracks:

"Waiting On the World to Change"- John Mayer (feat. Ben Harper)
"We Belong Together" - Gavin DeGraw
"After Tonight" - Justin Nozuka
"Who Needs Shelter" - Jason Mraz
"Between The Lines" - Sara Bareilles
"Strawberry Fields Forever" - Ben Harper
"Tidal Waves" - Matt Duke
"Stuttering" - Ben's Brother
"Fairytale" - Sara Bareilles
"I Fell It All" - Feist
"Diamonds On the Inside" - Ben Harper
"Dreamgirl" - Dave Matthews Band
"Giving Up" - Ingrid Michaelson
"A Case of You" - Joni Mitchell

I feel it's important to create a mood for every trip because as some of you may know, it can get quite dull to be by yourself for an extended period of time. The only way I can be entertained for at least four hours in this situation is if my mind is occupied by something. Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, here, but usually if my mind has to be occupied by something it's going to be one of the pieces I'm working on. This is the time I use to iron out all of the kinks in any plot or create another story out of something that just pops up into my head because of an interesting verse. The story I'm currently working on is my first love story, hence all of the pop songs and love songs.

The CD is ready to go, but I'm not. I'm still prepping for my trip. Checking the weather, doing laundry, cleaning house, making sure to bring the right shoes, etc. Los Angeles has been experiencing some serious heat, so along with some good music, I'm going to make sure and pack the good sunglasses.

P.S. I'm also saving my first listen to Coldplay's new album for the trip.

A Tasty Treat

2008-06-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

The blinding blaze of Summer is upon us, so it's fairly understandable that we seek out a delicious frozen treat to help us beat the heat. With this in mind, I'd just like to make a suggestion:

Skip the

Eat

It's delicious and totally worth it. (Small Original with Raspberries is my bag, baby.)

I Want My MTV

2008-06-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I had nothing better to do than to watch the MTV Movie Awards. I think I might've been much better off reading a book (or working on my own) than sitting through that, but it was very much like watching a train wreck. The winners of these awards were bogus. A few of them were for movies that I think should've gone straight to DVD. I'm really surprised at the whole evening. The highlight of the night was watching Coldplay perform their new single "Viva La Vida", but that's not really fair for me to single it out because I always love Coldplay. It was like having a horrible meal with a giant slice of delicious cake in the middle. There's another problem I have with this network. Unfortunately, they've found it necessary to focus a lot of their programming on mindless dating shows and "reality" TV. I'm not going to say anything more about that because if you're at all attuned to what's popular these days, you probably know what I'm talking about.

One of the fundamental principles from which I operate is "don't complain unless you're willing to do something about it". So in the spirit of that idea, I have a proposal for MTV:

Instead of peppering your programing with mindless reality television, get more involved with what's going on in the world. Instead of following Lauren Conrad around to see what club she's going to pitch a fit in next, perhaps you could follow around the interns in Washington or medical students who are interns at a hospital. There would be plenty of TV drama, I promise you. Also, if you're going to call yourself Music Television, then you might try focusing on music! How about having a concert series? With all of the acts out there in the world, I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't be able to fill the roster.

Come on you guys, you can be better than this. (I hope).

Hard To Swallow

2008-05-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

It's true: One of my favorite books is now a movie. Click the quote to view the trailer for Choke.

"Those who remember the past tend to get the story really screwed up."

Sky High Expectations Take You To The Lowest Lows

2008-05-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sure it has been made quite obvious by now that I am located in Southern California. Though I wasn't born here (the state of Texas possesses that honor), I was raised here. All over Southern California. Weekends in Santa Barbara, Saturday nights in Santa Monica, etc. You know the rest. You're aware then, I'm sure, that Southern California is home to the city that bore impossible standards of beauty: Los Angeles, or more appropriately Hollywood. The reason I mention this is that the standards of beauty I've grown up with are almost impossible. Here we are, the young women of Generation Y and unlike the women before us whose mothers burned their bras and would die before applying a stitch of mascara, our mothers had blush painted up to their hair lines and lip gloss in big sticks applied like Magic Markers. Where does that leave us? Trying to look as naturally beautiful as possible with the help of all conceivable products available at the nearest Sephora. Long black eyelashes, fleshy pink lips, and most importantly a glowing complexion that is tan tan tan. What makes this an opportune time to reach a very low low? Well, while trying to achieve a tan one can encounter any number of problems:

1. Skin like leather in ten years or less.

2. Cancer. Enough said.

3. Sunburns that hurt worse than scalding hot water.

Side effect number three is the affliction from which I am currently suffering. In fact, I think maybe "suffering" may be too tame a word for what I'm going through. My skin is hot pink and feels as though it is being simultaneously stretched out and stabbed with needles. Here I am slathering myself with Aloe and Cocoa Butter thinking "if only I could achieve normality again." My skin is screaming at me "Why? WHY? Why!?" and I wish I had an intelligent answer for it, but the best I can do is shrug (even if it does cause a momentous amount of pain to do so) and say...

That's California, baby.

This is not a "Love" blog

2008-05-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of person that is bothered by the monotony of entries that are purely for the sake of whining about love lives. That being said, I've been pondering about my romantic future for a while now. Not in the way that some might think. The whole "Will I wind up alone?" question doesn't usually occur to me because I'm not worried about it. The thing that worries me is that I may not actually find the person that is really right for me. Some people settle. Scratch that... most people settle. In my case, the idea of finding someone who is completely right for me is pretty unlikely. This statement isn't meant to stroke my ego in any way. It's just the opposite. The thing is, I am a completely unique individual. I've never met anyone like myself and to be completely frank, that scares the shit out of me. What scares me, more specifically, is that I'm not going to be able to find someone that understands me because I don't understand myself sometimes. It's like trying to put a puzzle together. Here it is, this piece that you've found under the sofa. It's this little bit of blue and it could fit into several different puzzles maybe, but when you try to put it together it's not quite right. What I'm ultimately afraid of is that there is no puzzle. No fit for me. I'm just going to be this piece that is awkwardly forced into this place where I really don't belong.

If it ain't broke...

2008-04-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Earth Day, as you all know, was this week. A lot of people get into a frenzy about the environment and "being green". I love these people because at least they're thinking about it for two seconds. For a lot of other people, though, this is not the case. Before I talk about those people, though, I'd like to make it clear that I am NOT a Democrat or a Republican. I am an Independent. With that said, I've noticed that a lot of Right-Wingers are shrugging off the environmental issue claiming that "We don't have a problem" and "Aren't there bigger issues at hand?"

Well, perhaps. But if we can do something to prevent a problem, then why wouldn't you want to?Instead of waiting for a big problem to occur, we can be proactive and help sustain a healthy ecosystem. There are a lot of little things you can do to help the environment and it really wouldn't take any more time to do them than the things you're doing now. Here are a couple of them:

1. Purchase some reusable shopping bags. In some stores they're less than a dollar. This way you can take them with you whenever you need to go shopping.

2. Use "Energy Smart" light bulbs. They conserve energy and save you money. What can be better than a little extra cash in your pocket?

3. Buy a water filter for your home so that you can store your own clean water in reusable travel bottles.

I know you may have heard these suggestions before, but that is because they're very small things that make a huge difference. Let's face it: it's not as though I'm asking you to run out and buy a hybrid car, but with gas prices like these...Why wouldn't you want to?

Happy Earth Day

2008-04-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

Writer's Block

2008-04-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

I've been watching one of my favorite new movies of the last couple of years, Stranger Than Fiction and I've been thinking about all of the reasons why I love the movie. Honestly, it's the kind of film I hope I can be involved with some day. When I saw it in the theater I had an initial "that was delicious" type of reaction, but like any good foodie would know, it's all of the nuances of flavor that make a great dish. In the hope of figuring out flavors, I've given this a lot of thought.

First of all, there is the obvious: the Cast. Will Ferrell turns in a great performance as a for-once non-over-the-top character. I'm not saying I don't love Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, because I really REALLY do, but it's just not as satisfying as this. He's so endearing that it's very disarming. Of course Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson are great in the film as well, that should go without saying. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Queen Latifa are also good. The music is charming. Love Spoon. Zach Helm did a brilliant job on the screenplay because the dialogue is wonderful and there are parts that couldn't possibly have been put better. What touches me personally, though, is Marc Foster's approach to Karen Eiffel's writing technique. Imagining herself into every situation to the point where it's completely real to her is very effective visually and articulates perfectly what it's like to compose fiction.

As someone who does this on a regular basis, it's easy to see her behavior in a manner that echoes a whisper of "I understand" in my subconscious. Sometimes, to me, writer's block can be suffocating, so when she (Eiffel) is going insane, it's completely understandable. Lately I've been working on two stories simultaneously. The first story has been put on hold for two reasons:

1. I discovered Literature was not the right medium for that story.

2. It was time to make way for a new story.

So I've been trying to figure out the first story. Drawing the blueprints, if you will. The second story is substantially less complicated, so it's already under construction. But I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions. On top of those two stories, I always have my poetry, which to me is just like that cat that lives in the ally. It pops it's head in every once in a while, but you never count on seeing it and making it come around is just going to force it away. Writing poetry is no way to make a living, but I do love it. I think that writing is a public service. We authors do not condescend to think that our work brings meaning to the lives of others (correction: I do not think that my work would bring meaning to the lives of others), but fiction is very much like the dessert of the Literary world. What would Spaghetti be without Tiramisu?

Karen Eiffel puts it far more eloquently, though:

"And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction."

Twenty-Something Cougar

2008-04-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

Though I don't plan on participating in the behavior that pop culture associates with the label, I am particularly proud to say that I am a Cougar. More specifically, I'm a CSUSM Cougar. I was recently admitted to this University and I'm planning on getting my B.A. in Literature and Writing. Unfortunately the one thing this does mean that is in the negative is that I'm going to have to move again. It's not that I don't like trying anything new, but all of the organization and packing is very tedious and stressful.

The positive part is that it's going to mean a lot of change in my life. For example, I finally get to study at a real University, taking classes that are going to matter toward what I want to do with my life. I'm not saying that community college doesn't matter, not at all. It's just that your mind is still occupied on whether or not you're going to get to move up to that "next level" of education, so it prevents you from being allowed to focus on the information you're supposed to be retaining. The courses I'm going to be taking in the Fall will probably not be any different from the ones I've taken in the past, but I'm looking forward to a stress-free learning environment. Of course there is the added bonus of a completely new pool of people to get to know, but honestly I'm just looking forward to getting my degree so that I can start a new life in familiar territory.