What does the future hold?

It seems to be everywhere. "40 something women" who are 'living live and loving it'. Whatever "it" may be. Dating younger men, living extravagant lifestyles, going clubbing until the wee hours of the morning, and everything in between. I can understand that some women are just enjoying their life and others are in denial, trying to extend their youth as long as they possibly can until they begin to look ridiculous. When women are constantly getting plastic surgery in order to make themselves feel better, where do you draw the line? Botox has become one of the most common procedures amongst American women and after having seen the results in person, I can't help but get consumed by fear. Is this what the future looks like for those of us who haven't hit thirty? In a world of sinking war ships, oil spills, crashing economies, and failing marriages, what do we have to look forward to?

Here's the thing- am I going to end up like them? As I get closer to cementing the details of my adult life, I'm wondering what things are going to be like in 20 years. Am I going to end up looking something like a hobbit with strict rules and a crazy-bad haircut like half of the women on "Wife Swap"? Or am I going to be a self-involved gym-crazy mother who desperately clings to her youth in even more clingy clothing? Am I going to be something in between? I'm not sure, but between all of the media sources and my own experiences I think I'm going to have to find my own way to avoid being a "Real Housewife" or being a real mess. As I take these next few steps on less than stable ground, I'm just going to have to learn as I go because so far I haven't seen a good example.

Drink Me

For Christmas this year, I received a gift card from my boyfriend's mother. It was for the movies, which I thought was a very sweet gesture. It just happened to coincide with my desire to see the new Alice in Wonderland film by Tim Burton. I had no idea that I would see the movie three times ($50 well spent), or that it would pop into my head while I was trying to settle my mind as I was laying in bed. Now, I know that the film was based on both books, but I can't stop thinking about the film itself (primarily because I never read the books). After having read so many different pieces of fiction, there is one thing I can ascertain: Growing up is important. I know what you're thinking -"well, no shit"- it's true. And not for the reason you think. But the thing is, I'm still having trouble with the "growing up" part. Childhood is easy. You learn a lot of things from it. For example, childhood provides the foundation for your adult fears. Think about it- were you pushed off of the jungle gym as a child? Are you afraid of heights now? I'm not trying to sound like a motivational speaker or a high-school counsoler here, but one of the most important things anyone can learn is to be brave. This doesn't mean base-jumping if you have a fear of heights. No one should do that. But as I'm entering the true phase of adulthood in my life, I can't help but feel as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. There are several doors before me, but taking the one I want to has got me intimidated for the same reasons I have all of my other fears. I find myself wondering how I am going to get through it.

Mark S

Kindness lasts forever. You'll be missed.

For those about to...

"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

My life has taken a rather dramatic turn lately in that I no longer find my free time to be "free", but otherwise occupied. This is not an unfortunate change and in fact it is not unwelcome either. The idea that my time has been merely manipulated in order for me to see things in a different way has proven to be quite beneficial. Now some may ask what I mean by allusion to a shift in perspective so allow me to elaborate:
As someone who found herself with a great deal of free time at one point, I thought it necessary to occupy my time with a great deal of introspection. I thought about who I am to strangers, family, and myself. It is very clear that all of this thought has paid off in some way because now there is a certain level of confidence in my stride that was not there before. This confidence, however, does not negate my humility. You can be both confident and humble. It can be done. Oh yes.
In order for this feat to be accomplished one must first acknowlege a universal truth:
Everyone is different.
Say it with me.
"Everyone is different"
Good.
Now this is crutial because when observing others you must repeat this in your head because it allows you to remove yourself from the situation and observe. In order for me to save time, I will state my immediate findings here:

• Tools cannot be saved. Once a tool, always a tool. The only thing that can be done with them is appreciate the level of their tool-i-ness.
• A man may not notice when a woman is flirting, but women do. It is blaringly obvious, in fact. Now it is true that when a woman is flirting she may not be interested in the person she is flirting with, but the fact of the matter is she does want one thing: attention.
• Spoiled children get yelled at more than well-adjusted children and in my opinion, they generally contribute less to society. Please consider this before purchasing a BMW for your daughter's sweet sixteen.

Before I leave you for another undetermined period of time, please know that the Hannah Montana "Best of Both Words" song shares it's title with the porn Randall rents in Clerks. Yes, indeed.

It may be a New Year for you...

It's a brand new year. Not brand spanking new, no, but new enough. As a young person with so much time on her side and potential to take advantage of, you would think that my first new entry would be filled with hope. My head space isn't quite there right now, though. There are a few things that have happened recently and things are closing in that have robbed me of that. My next birthday is coming in quickly and to be perfectly frank: I'm not excited. Not at all. I'll be another year older and I don't have much to show for it. Not only do I have nothing planned for the big day (except that I have to be in school as usual), but memories of birthdays passed only haunt me. This all sounds quite melodramatic, I know, but there isn't any other way to describe it. I'm trying to keep things as close to the truth as they can possibly get. And just so we're quite clear about something: I tell the truth. I always tell the truth. The thing is, I get frustrated when people lie because to me this expresses a lack of faith in the other person. It says "I don't think that you can understand what the facts are and I don't believe you are able to handle it". My belief is that only someone who is extremely thick-headed would be foolish enough to believe they know what is good for someone else. Especially when it comes to the truth. With that in mind, I try to give to others this thing that I ask in return: Don't worry about hurting my feelings with the truth. I'd rather feel hurt than stupid.

Nineteen days and counting...

Chaos Theory

Those of you who do not know me on a personal level won't be fully aware of my stigma, so for a moment, let me enlighten you.

Though I must admit I had not always behaved accordingly, I learned at a very early age what was right and what was wrong. As time wore on, I thought I was capable of distinguishing between the two. Then a funny thing happened: the things I had sequestered within the "bad" category began to sound more and more off limits. Eventually this was reflected in my personal habits and behavior. A once acceptable teenager might've been mistaken (on occasion) for an off-duty librarian. 

The problem with this behavior may not be immediately clear. One might say to themselves "What's wrong with that?" but unless you've lived it, you can't quite understand. What I can tell you is that to live life in fear of what might happen is no way to live at all. So what's the point I'm trying to make? Well, I think that there are many kinds of people in this world, but those who were cursed with my particular problem are in need of a solution and I believe I may have the answer:

A bad influence. The problem is that in the Angel v. Devil war that takes place on our shoulders, the Angel always wins. But the Angel doesn't always know what's best. Sometimes the best thing is to learn from your own mistakes, otherwise you end up living life consumed by your own irrational fears. So find someone who can talk you into something you might not like. Someone you can get a little dirty with. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

"Sometimes you just need a push in the wrong direction."

A little side note: while I was composing this blog, hanging at the coffee shop I currently work at, I noticed that I had drawn arrows all over the page. When I said "I have no idea why I like drawing arrows so much"; He retorted with "Because they know where they're going." Just thought that was kind of funny.

A little free time after breakfast

My neighbor is playing his/her music far too loud. I have no idea what it is. Whatever it is, it's got a lot of bass. So I started listening to my own music. Sometimes the most wonderful moments of life are the ones outlined by a good song. A driving guitar track can be the perfect frame for the picture of a winding road in the mountainous tropics of Maui. Sometimes the perfection lies within the lyrics that you hear when you're laying upon your bed, staring at the ceiling, seeking comfort from the music. I'm not seeking any kind of emotional comfort from anything but  I'm laying here soaking up the wisdom of these people.