What does the future hold?

It seems to be everywhere. "40 something women" who are 'living live and loving it'. Whatever "it" may be. Dating younger men, living extravagant lifestyles, going clubbing until the wee hours of the morning, and everything in between. I can understand that some women are just enjoying their life and others are in denial, trying to extend their youth as long as they possibly can until they begin to look ridiculous. When women are constantly getting plastic surgery in order to make themselves feel better, where do you draw the line? Botox has become one of the most common procedures amongst American women and after having seen the results in person, I can't help but get consumed by fear. Is this what the future looks like for those of us who haven't hit thirty? In a world of sinking war ships, oil spills, crashing economies, and failing marriages, what do we have to look forward to?

Here's the thing- am I going to end up like them? As I get closer to cementing the details of my adult life, I'm wondering what things are going to be like in 20 years. Am I going to end up looking something like a hobbit with strict rules and a crazy-bad haircut like half of the women on "Wife Swap"? Or am I going to be a self-involved gym-crazy mother who desperately clings to her youth in even more clingy clothing? Am I going to be something in between? I'm not sure, but between all of the media sources and my own experiences I think I'm going to have to find my own way to avoid being a "Real Housewife" or being a real mess. As I take these next few steps on less than stable ground, I'm just going to have to learn as I go because so far I haven't seen a good example.

Drink Me

For Christmas this year, I received a gift card from my boyfriend's mother. It was for the movies, which I thought was a very sweet gesture. It just happened to coincide with my desire to see the new Alice in Wonderland film by Tim Burton. I had no idea that I would see the movie three times ($50 well spent), or that it would pop into my head while I was trying to settle my mind as I was laying in bed. Now, I know that the film was based on both books, but I can't stop thinking about the film itself (primarily because I never read the books). After having read so many different pieces of fiction, there is one thing I can ascertain: Growing up is important. I know what you're thinking -"well, no shit"- it's true. And not for the reason you think. But the thing is, I'm still having trouble with the "growing up" part. Childhood is easy. You learn a lot of things from it. For example, childhood provides the foundation for your adult fears. Think about it- were you pushed off of the jungle gym as a child? Are you afraid of heights now? I'm not trying to sound like a motivational speaker or a high-school counsoler here, but one of the most important things anyone can learn is to be brave. This doesn't mean base-jumping if you have a fear of heights. No one should do that. But as I'm entering the true phase of adulthood in my life, I can't help but feel as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. There are several doors before me, but taking the one I want to has got me intimidated for the same reasons I have all of my other fears. I find myself wondering how I am going to get through it.

Mark S

Kindness lasts forever. You'll be missed.

For those about to...

"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

My life has taken a rather dramatic turn lately in that I no longer find my free time to be "free", but otherwise occupied. This is not an unfortunate change and in fact it is not unwelcome either. The idea that my time has been merely manipulated in order for me to see things in a different way has proven to be quite beneficial. Now some may ask what I mean by allusion to a shift in perspective so allow me to elaborate:
As someone who found herself with a great deal of free time at one point, I thought it necessary to occupy my time with a great deal of introspection. I thought about who I am to strangers, family, and myself. It is very clear that all of this thought has paid off in some way because now there is a certain level of confidence in my stride that was not there before. This confidence, however, does not negate my humility. You can be both confident and humble. It can be done. Oh yes.
In order for this feat to be accomplished one must first acknowlege a universal truth:
Everyone is different.
Say it with me.
"Everyone is different"
Good.
Now this is crutial because when observing others you must repeat this in your head because it allows you to remove yourself from the situation and observe. In order for me to save time, I will state my immediate findings here:

• Tools cannot be saved. Once a tool, always a tool. The only thing that can be done with them is appreciate the level of their tool-i-ness.
• A man may not notice when a woman is flirting, but women do. It is blaringly obvious, in fact. Now it is true that when a woman is flirting she may not be interested in the person she is flirting with, but the fact of the matter is she does want one thing: attention.
• Spoiled children get yelled at more than well-adjusted children and in my opinion, they generally contribute less to society. Please consider this before purchasing a BMW for your daughter's sweet sixteen.

Before I leave you for another undetermined period of time, please know that the Hannah Montana "Best of Both Words" song shares it's title with the porn Randall rents in Clerks. Yes, indeed.

It may be a New Year for you...

It's a brand new year. Not brand spanking new, no, but new enough. As a young person with so much time on her side and potential to take advantage of, you would think that my first new entry would be filled with hope. My head space isn't quite there right now, though. There are a few things that have happened recently and things are closing in that have robbed me of that. My next birthday is coming in quickly and to be perfectly frank: I'm not excited. Not at all. I'll be another year older and I don't have much to show for it. Not only do I have nothing planned for the big day (except that I have to be in school as usual), but memories of birthdays passed only haunt me. This all sounds quite melodramatic, I know, but there isn't any other way to describe it. I'm trying to keep things as close to the truth as they can possibly get. And just so we're quite clear about something: I tell the truth. I always tell the truth. The thing is, I get frustrated when people lie because to me this expresses a lack of faith in the other person. It says "I don't think that you can understand what the facts are and I don't believe you are able to handle it". My belief is that only someone who is extremely thick-headed would be foolish enough to believe they know what is good for someone else. Especially when it comes to the truth. With that in mind, I try to give to others this thing that I ask in return: Don't worry about hurting my feelings with the truth. I'd rather feel hurt than stupid.

Nineteen days and counting...

Chaos Theory

Those of you who do not know me on a personal level won't be fully aware of my stigma, so for a moment, let me enlighten you.

Though I must admit I had not always behaved accordingly, I learned at a very early age what was right and what was wrong. As time wore on, I thought I was capable of distinguishing between the two. Then a funny thing happened: the things I had sequestered within the "bad" category began to sound more and more off limits. Eventually this was reflected in my personal habits and behavior. A once acceptable teenager might've been mistaken (on occasion) for an off-duty librarian. 

The problem with this behavior may not be immediately clear. One might say to themselves "What's wrong with that?" but unless you've lived it, you can't quite understand. What I can tell you is that to live life in fear of what might happen is no way to live at all. So what's the point I'm trying to make? Well, I think that there are many kinds of people in this world, but those who were cursed with my particular problem are in need of a solution and I believe I may have the answer:

A bad influence. The problem is that in the Angel v. Devil war that takes place on our shoulders, the Angel always wins. But the Angel doesn't always know what's best. Sometimes the best thing is to learn from your own mistakes, otherwise you end up living life consumed by your own irrational fears. So find someone who can talk you into something you might not like. Someone you can get a little dirty with. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

"Sometimes you just need a push in the wrong direction."

A little side note: while I was composing this blog, hanging at the coffee shop I currently work at, I noticed that I had drawn arrows all over the page. When I said "I have no idea why I like drawing arrows so much"; He retorted with "Because they know where they're going." Just thought that was kind of funny.

A little free time after breakfast

My neighbor is playing his/her music far too loud. I have no idea what it is. Whatever it is, it's got a lot of bass. So I started listening to my own music. Sometimes the most wonderful moments of life are the ones outlined by a good song. A driving guitar track can be the perfect frame for the picture of a winding road in the mountainous tropics of Maui. Sometimes the perfection lies within the lyrics that you hear when you're laying upon your bed, staring at the ceiling, seeking comfort from the music. I'm not seeking any kind of emotional comfort from anything but  I'm laying here soaking up the wisdom of these people.

Sprinkles...

Due to my own personal mindset (read: cluster-fuck), I've shifted my focus to some not-so-important things. With that said, I've put together another playlist. These are songs I'm listening to and enjoying right now:

1. "Dream" - Alice Smith. To me this song sounds like a sigh of relief. It makes me feel better when I'm feeling a little bored with life. First heard it on Entourage so I was pretty open to liking it, I guess.

2. "My Hero" - Paramore. This is a great cover of a great song (the original track was performed by The Foo Fighters). I think that when different people perform the same song, they have different feelings. The original track is tough and victorious. This new version is sweet and sentimental. Almost romantic. Love it.

3. "Call to Arms" - Angels & Airwaves. This band has grown on me a lot more since I saw them recently. They were a lot better than I expected. I chose this song because it inspires me. It's kind of like when you're running as fast and hard as you can and you can see the end. You're out of breath. Your body hurts. Despite how you're feeling, you push forward and run those last steps. That's how this song sounds to me. 

4. "I Don't Care" - Fall Out Boy. I've got to be honest here. I was listening to Fall Out Boy a long time before they were "Like, Omigod I totally love Fall Out Boy". Shortly after they got in with the MTV crowd, I got sick of them. I'm not saying that I'm too cool to like the pop music, but they just got very overplayed. I like this song because it's a little different than what they've been doing lately. Plus this lyric is sick: "Say my name and his in the same breath, I dare you to say they taste the same." 

5. "Rainy Day" - Plain White T's. Another sweet song by the Plain White T's. Surprise surprise. I know people have said that the Jonas Brothers (gag) are the new Beatles, but I honestly think the title should go to the PWT's. Just a thought...

6."Nine in The Afternoon" - Panic at The Disco. This is the kind of song you blast when you're in a good mood while you're on a drive with the windows down and well...I do a lot of driving. 

Fairy Tales and Sex Jokes

When I was a little girl I loved fairy tales. The flowery stories all unfolded in ways that made the characters' lives seem so wonderful. Of course Prince Charming would show up and rescue the damsel in distress! Cinderella would no longer have to clean up after her lazy family members. The Frog would turn into a man who conveniently is also royalty and would live happily ever after with the Princess. You get the point. Anyway, as I grew up these fairy tales which were often animated for my viewing pleasure eventually were replaced by something not far off: Romantic Comedies. Instead of Sleeping Beauty, there's Sleepless in Seattle. French Kiss instead of The Frog Prince. When you think about it, the similarities are astounding. 

If you boil all of the stories down to their bare bones, you really don't have anything left except for the makings of most any fairy tale classic. Boy meets Girl - Boy/Girl has a problem - Girl/Boy has solution - They fall in love - The End. I can't think of a single film that falls within this category that doesn't follow this formula. To be completely honest? It has gotten pretty boring. I can't even watch Sleepless in Seattle any more. 

Fortunately where there is a problem, there is a solution. The solution to my particular problem is the fleet of films that have been coming out more recently. The comedies that are as smart as they are funny while lacking completely in pretension. The movies that immediately leap to mind are The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In my opinion, you could almost categorize any one of them as a Romantic Comedy without the gag-inducing Hallmark-memories Kodak-moment mental pictures that the other films I'd mentioned bring about. The thing about these movies is that the most important thing to the film is the comedy, not the romance. The things that spring to mind about any of these movies are not how cute a certain moment was or just how touching the end might have been, but the jokes that just don't seem to get old. The romance in these movies is so discrete that one might have to struggle just to remember the moments (I know I'm guilty of it, on occasion), but that makes it far more palatable. My point is that though some people may think that romance has died, it hasn't. It's just cleverly hidden.

"I don't think it's a gay drink"

As a barista, I sometimes fantasize about being a bartender. Being that I worked alone today, I had some time to reflect on that fantasy. To me, certain things are obvious. An Espresso might be considered the equivalent of a Scotch Neat. A Blended Mocha (don't forget the whipped cream and chocolate sauce) may be considered equal to the Pina Colada - not for the serious drinker. I think the most popular drink ordered is the Iced White Mocha. The drink I would liken it to on a real bar: the Mojito. 

Ostensibly the most trend-following cocktail any person can imbibe, the Mojito is an imported classic that is as delicious as it is refreshing. It seems to say "Sure I don't want to get wasted, but that doesn't mean I can't have a drink." I'm fairly sure that most anyone has or will have tried the Mojito at one point and this is where I believe it has common qualities to the Iced White Mocha. 

Most everyone that has purchased a coffee drink from a coffee shop has at some point tried a White Mocha and if they haven't, chances are they probably will. I have seen all sorts of people come in and order this drink and it is almost always over ice. Some may say that this is only due to the weather, but when was the last time you saw someone drinking a Mojito mid-blizzard? That's what I thought. Anyway, the reason I mention this is that today I served this coffee concoction to what I thought was the most unlikely buyer. A man who would scare the ever-loving out of me if I had met him in a dark alley. Soaring over head in biker gear with a deep raspy voice, he politely smiled and asked for a "Large Iced White Mocha with extra whipped cream, please." As I had been previously considering this subject, I asked myself as I mixed his drink:

 I wonder if he likes Mojitos?

Good things come to those who

Alright, I admit it... when it comes to some things, I'm just not a patient girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at waiting, that's not an issue for me. My whole life, I've been waiting for something. I don't mean that in the abstract "what does it all mean?" way that some people may. In this instance I just mean that at most points in my life I've been waiting for something, not just one thing in particular. But the thing is... when it comes to waiting for things that are important, I'm just no good. For example: school. I know it's going to take some time before I'm done and all of the doors to a palatable future will swing open. I just can't help but drag my feet and sigh. Now I'm sure that part of the reason I'm dragging my feet is that what I do when I finish school is sort of a giant question mark. Not just finding a job, but everything that goes with life after college. The things that I want don't seem to make sense together. 

Maybe I'm just rambling, here. Unfortunately this is just a sample of what is going on inside my head. There are a lot of other things...more life specific things, but I don't want to write some trite diatribe about how I'm feeling lost. I'm not. I know what I want. I just have to be patient because I can't grab it. I can't force it. I have to let it come in it's own time. 

Heaven and other things.

Do something you're afraid to do. Drive through road blocks (not real ones, that's dangerous). Be honest. You'll be surprised by how things change for the better, even if it seems like they've taken a turn for the worst. 

You may just get to Heaven. In my head, Heaven has a counter that looks like this:

A Singular Meaningless Rant

So...I'm just sort of sitting here wondering about the rest of my life. I've got this idea about how things are going to feel. There's no plan, see. I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm doing, but there's a round-about sort of way that I'm figuring it out. It's not that I'm worried, because I'm not. I know it's all going to eventually fall into place and I don't mean that in a half-assed victim of Karma sort of way. I guess I just trust it. Whatever it is, this thing that I've got, I trust it. 

Sorry if none of that makes sense, but it's been rattling around in my head. Needed to shake it out. 

Put Aside The Intellectual Stimuli

For those of you who have seen Ice Harvest, Bullets Over Broadway, and Grace is Gone , you know that John Cusack is one of the better actors we've got flying just below the radar. There is one thing that is quite bothersome to me, though, and that is the lonely hill upon which I stand. Let me fill you in...

A long time ago, I was out for a random evening of time-killing (read: nothing to do on a Friday night except hit Borders, then Jack-In-The-Box, and drive around) with a friend who shall remain nameless. We were sitting in her car and I had a Perrier. She asked me what I was drinking and I jokingly said "Peru!" to which she in turn replied...

"You mean Perrier?"

I died a little inside, which is why I need to spread the word. One of my favorite movies, and one that J.C. possibly regrets, is Better Off Dead. A side-splitter about the anguish of a break-up and in a completely dysfunctional situation. If you have not seen it, I personally guarantee that it'll make you laugh.

See?

 

For Those Only Watching The Olympics...

Just wanted to thank the Angels for thoroughly destroying the Yankees this weekend. Though they're not really my team, anyone who can teach that holier-than-thou ball club a lesson is alright in my book. 

P.S. I don't hate the Yankees. I really don't. 

For Good Measure

I've decided that since I haven't posted something in a little while (and frankly I have nothing else to write about at the moment), that it's time to post another playlist. These are all just songs I've been listening to a lot lately. 9, 10, and 11 are few favorites that have been in heavy rotation lately while the rest are relatively new to my library. Please enjoy.

1. Carolina Liar "I'm Not Over"
   
2. Throw Me the Statue "Lolita"
3. Katie Herzig "Sweeter Than This"
4. Imogen Heap "Not Now But Soon"
5. Blind Pilot "Go On, Say It"
6. The Wombats "Let's Dance to Joy Division"
7. N.E.R.D. "Spaz"
8. The Ting Tings "That's Not My Name"
9. Rilo Kiley "Portions For Foxes"
10. The Postal Service "Against All Odds"
11. Pigeonhed "Battleflag (Low-Fidelity Allstars Remix)"

Bottom Line

There are a lot of things that can hold you up in this world. Ideas, principles, morals, and the like. I've been thinking a lot about the things that hold me up. Sometimes people hide behind those things because they're scared to take a chance. Using it to justify the things that you don't do by calling them the things that you "won't" do. I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life (excluding my specific environmental and social beliefs). What I'm asking you to do here is this: Figure out what your bottom line is, what you're really afraid of, and what your deal-breakers are. 

Withdrawal

I miss you, Jane.

Cardboard Boxes

Since I'm currently out of the job, I've thrown myself into packing up my house. I'm moving to a new place next weekend and my bedroom has never looked so sparse. After the initial "Man, I have a lot of crap" thoughts, it was easy to just keep working away at making sure things are safely wrapped and packed for travel. The one thing that keeps bubbling up in my mind, however, is how strange it feels to watch myself gradually disappear from my home. In a week, it'll be as if I never lived here. Sure, I've made a few distinguishable marks on the place, but to the new tenants it won't make the slightest difference. These thoughts should be eclipsed by the excitement I have about moving into the new place (read: Upgrade!), but I simply cannot shake them. 

About the new place, it is pretty great. It's in a new area that's a bit more relaxed than Mission Valley. There will finally be a place for my guests to park and I'll be able to buy all of the groceries I want without worrying about how many trips I'm going to have to make to my car. The good thing about this new location is that I get a chance to experience new places and people. I have to admit, though, that I'm not really all that fond of the idea. I've been moving around all my life and it's made it really tough to connect with people. Somewhere deep down it there's a voice that says "Don't get too attached. This is only temporary."

Oh, and as for the marks I've made on my current place? Thank you, Magic Eraser. 

Put This In Your Deck And Play It

Sometimes I just feel the need to highly recommend some music to those around me. Much like a tiny restaurant no one knows about yet, sometimes it's the little things you keep to yourself that you enjoy the most. So, if I feel that a little public exposure isn't going to ruin something good I'll shed a little light. With that being said, please do yourself a favor and check out The Morning Benders' album Talking Through Tin Cans. It's quite refreshing, believe me. Try it, you'll like it.